To whatever power it may concern,
I know I mentioned in my intro, I started this blog with the intention of writing to SOMEONE. I wanted it to feel like a letter I could send off to the one person who would never judge me and someone who would never respond, and somehow I landed on God. The more I think about it though, I really don’t want to write letters directly addressed to God. So we’ve landed on whatever power it may concern, whether that be a random person who comes across this page, or hell even god himself (it’s the 21st century, anything is possible!) so that’s what I’m going with.
As I also mentioned in my intro, I’ve been wanting to get back into blogging/journaling/etc.. for a while now. Well, in my search for “the best blogging platforms to use in 2020”, I somehow found my way back to here. I’m no stranger to the Medium platform; I did my fair share of complaining on this site about 5 years ago. When medium popped up as I was looking to start a new one, I ended up logging into my old blog and reading some of the things I wrote. I couldn’t help thinking “damn, what a cry for help” after reading all the posts on there, but its true- that’s exactly what they were. But I also was shocked at how similar of a person I am to the person writing 5 years ago. I have the same fears, the same feelings, the same taste in music (kind of-but we’ll get to that), just with a hell of a lot more stories. The overwhelming theme that shocked me the most though was this- I thought I was stuck in the stage of figuring things out then, but I’m still in them. So I decided I kind of wanted to pick up, from the beginning (of my old blog that is). I have to admit, my old blog had some pretty interesting titles. From the classic “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” to “Are You There, God?” (funny, right?), but I also wrote down some pretty intense feelings and it breaks my heart that some of those have yet to go away, even 5 years later. So let’s start, from the beginning.
My first post focused a lot on my mental health, so it’s only fitting this one kind of does too. I found myself reading and was almost embarrassed at how much I shared- but it was also necessary for me then, and it’s getting to that point again. I’ve never been one to talk super openly about mental health on social media. I’ve always cared too much about the way I’m perceived and am way too afraid to ever be lumped into a “she’s doing it for attention” category. But my struggles are real, and they definitely haven’t ceased- there are some sentences in that post that absolutely break my heart, but I think they also give me hope. As much as I claim I have the same feelings, I have grown a lot- especially with my mental health. My first post focused directly on depression and anxiety. I shared my fear of my suicidal thoughts, my plan to not let anxiety get in my way, all of it. While I say I’ve grown a lot, that doesn’t mean I don't have my struggles. I still have depression, I still have anxiety, the list goes on. My relationship with my mental health has actually been the worst this year (thanks Ms. Corona, you really didn’t have to do that). I started off the year in the best place I have ever been mentally. I had bounced back from an awful relationship (trust me- we’ll get to that too), I moved to a new city, I started my first job out of college and absolutely loved it, I had the body I’ve always wanted, I had good friends, everything was going really well. Things really started to change once quarantine hit, though. I started drinking a lot, ordering way too much door-dash, started to harbor resentment for my job, and boom… Everything was back. I invited a friend to quarantine with me at the start of it all. We were both working from home, and I convinced myself that if I had a friend here it would be the best time ever. Secretly though? I was scared that if I didn’t have anyone else here to basically babysit me, I might do something that can’t be undone- and that is a scary thought to me now (growth, remember?). I’m still in that bubble of being scared. I no longer love my job the way I once did, I no longer have some of the friends I came here with, and I no longer have the distraction of happiness I once did. I’ve gained 60 pounds, cut people out of my life that probably didn’t deserve it, and it all just kinda feels numb if I’m being honest. Nonetheless, I’m still here and as silly as it sounds, it’s a big deal to me. I wonder what the girl from 5 years ago would think if she saw me now. We are so different, yet so the same. Would she be disappointed that even though she knew we couldn’t get rid of it but dreamed of a world where we got over our issues, we still have the same ones? Would she be surprised that I ended up being the spontaneous one of the friend group? Would she be proud of the things I’ve achieved since she wrote that post? I don’t know. This probably isn’t going to be my last letter about mental health either, that’s for sure. Honestly, we didn’t touch on a lot of things I thought I was going to, so I guess I haven’t grown too much in that department. But there’s still time, so look out.
Sincerely,
Me.
